Diet, Shmiet

Is it just me or is Jared the Subway guy putting on a few pounds? It’s my contention that’s what happens when a regular guy gets some sort of fame—he starts putting on weight. Hell, I put on twenty pounds since the whole eBay thing. (Between you and me, that damn dress is getting a little tight.)

I seem to be getting larger by the day. I can’t tell you how many lawn chairs I’ve broken. I don’t get invited to garden parties anymore. (Of course, it being winter may have something to do with it, but I digress.)

I made a bet with my girlfriend last month that if I lost 40 pounds, she would quit smoking. Great! I only have 45 pounds to go.

It’s getting so bad, I can’t fit in my skin. And no matter what I do I just can’t seem to lose it and keep it off. I’ve tried all the over the counter diet pills but they don’t work. I did, however, lose some weight using prescription meds, but they had a bit of a nasty side effect. I don’t think it’s healthy to lose twenty pounds through rectal bleeding.

I’ve found out first-hand that the only thing one loses when opting for diet pills is money. You would be better off to take the money you would spend on those pills and buy an exercise bike. But make sure you get one with a basket on the handle bars because it will eventually wind up being the most expensive clothes hamper you will ever own. You can use the basket for the whites.

There are many diet fads out on the market now. The most famous ones are the Atkins diet, the South Beach diet, and the Sugarbusters diet. These all may be great, but I think the best diet fad is the Shut your pie-hole, get off your fat ass and take the stairs instead of the elevator diet.

The only other option is to resign oneself to the fact that you will always be fat. While not the healthiest of options, it does make for an easier time at the buffet table. Plus you could always get one of those t-shirts that say, “I’m not fat. I’m American.”

All this talking about dieting is making me hungry. If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Subway. They have a “buy one; get one free” deal going on.

(Uh, exactly how DID Jared lose that weight eating at Subway?)