Which Bird Is Your Guy?

Apes and gorillas are, physiologically, the closest animal to man. But, the closest living thing that Mother Nature has created upon which to judge the psyche of the average male is—you guessed it—the family of birds.

These fine, feathered creatures possess traits and insight to the man you are with. Just how foul is your fowl? Read below to find out which type of bird best matches your mate.

Eagle. Arguably the best looking birds out there, these majestic creatures thrive in wide open spaces. They are free-spirited, wild creatures with a zest for life. If your eagle just up and leaves you one day for the wide-open spaces of the dating world, reflect on how gorgeous he was, how much fun you’ve had with him, all the while consoling yourself with the fact that most eagles are probably gay.

Ostrich. We all know all about these flightless birds. These fast-running, somewhat homely creatures are afraid of their own shadow. While your guy might have good intentions and big dreams, he will never get anything off the ground due to fear and lack of confidence. You certainly could do better than ostrich-boy, but if you do manage to keep him around, make sure he wipes all the sand off his face before coming to bed and keep reminding yourself that someday he will make a great pair of boots and matching purse.

Lovebird. These birds mate for life. If you have one of these guys, you will never want for anything. They will dote upon you, preen you, snuggle up against you—constantly be by your side. This is a dream come true for most women. But beware. If your personality isn’t that of a love bird, too, then all of his love and affection will do nothing more than annoy the crap out of you.

Dodo. Stupid. Just plain stupid. Any woman will tell you this little known fact: They aren’t extinct.

Vulture. These birds of prey feed off of others. They are inherently scavengers that love to pick a carcass clean. You will know if you are with a vulture because he usually only comes out and circles around you whenever you get paid.

Hummingbird. Hummingbirds are the second largest family of birds in the world. They are all around us. What is unique about these birds is that they fly backwards and eat twice their body weight to survive. What this means is that you have a man that is insatiable, yet isn’t mentally mature. If your donut-eating, pseudo-adolescent flies the coup and you absolutely have to have another hummingbird, don’t worry. You can always find one of the 329 other species at the game store in the mall.

Parrot. Your friends love this guy. He’s great fun at parties, friendly, and playful. But, your friends eventually get to leave while you are stuck at home with this loud, boisterous, obnoxious beast that seems to poop only on your head.

Rooster. Probably the best mate you can find. If you have one of these—keep him. They’re prideful, easy-going and trainable. They don’t fly around and will eat what you give them without complaining. Besides, what woman doesn’t want a good cock?
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Larry Star is author of Bitter, Party of One... Your Table is Ready: Relationship advice from a guy who has no business giving it. He has twice appeared on the Today show and MSNBC’s Countdown. He can be contacted through his website: www.weddingdressguy.com