In answer to all the “where are you?” emails, I took a few months off to situate myself in a new home with my fiancée (Sheesh, I hate that word).
When one decides to delve into cohabitation with a lover after a few years of dating and living in separate domiciles, there will inevitably be culture shock. No matter how much you think you know the other person, you are on the wrong end of the stupid stick.
For instance, my fiancée likes a lot of pillows on the bed. I have no idea what a woman’s fascination is with tons of cloth-covered polyfill, but I have to say it borders on psychosis.
First of all, I have never been a big fan of foam pillows because they make my head bounce around like a superball on concrete, which isn’t very conducive for a restful night’s sleep. Because of all of the bouncing around during the night, I wake up with a huge headache. Once, I even got a concussion. Try explaining THAT to a doctor.
I like to sleep with one or two down pillows, with my head up near the headboard—a nearly impossible feat with a bed full of pillows. During the night I find myself sliding down the mattress and waking up with my feet sticking out of the covers at the other end of the bed. In my groggy, middle-of-the-night-where-the-hell-am-I state, I could have sworn I saw Kathy Bates standing over me ready to smash my ankles with a hammer and a two-by-four.
Another thing I had to get used to is the fact that my woman doesn’t like it when I throw out the plates and flatware after I eat. Apparently, there is something called a “dishwasher” and I should learn how to use it. She is so sarcastic sometimes. Like I don’t know what a dishwasher is. Sheesh, I had one growing up; I just called her “Ma.”
On the flip side of the coin, there are wonderful things about blending our lives. Like, I am now the proud owner of “The Magic Cupboard.” I write down what I want to eat, like Frosted Flakes or Nilla Wafers, on the refrigerator dry-erase board and a couple of days later the items magically appear in the cupboard. This alone is worth the price of nuptial admission.
This cohabitation thing will certainly take some time getting used to—like her freaking snoring, for instance—but it is a welcome challenge to figure out how to cope and compromise. It’s always good to write things down. It helps you to get a clearer picture of the harsh reality of living together, so you’re not off in some fantasy world thinking that things will iron themselves out; actually seeing your problems in writing will help you make more informed, rational decisions.
The next thing on my list is I have to figure out is how to make The Magic Cupboard get rid of all those damn pillows.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Monday, June 19, 2006
Thursday, May 11, 2006
The Grilled Cheese Madonna
Hey kids,
Mostly, when I post something here, I try to tickle your funny bone with something humorous about everyday life. But, this time I’d thought I would share something cool instead.
Chris Cihlar, author of, “The Grilled Cheese Madonna and 99 Other of the Weirdest, Wackiest, Most Famous eBay Auctions Ever,” is selling the first ever copy of his book on eBay.
This book is very well written, and a total blast to read. But what’s REALLY cool is that this first ever copy has a bunch of signatures from the various people that are mentioned in the book; the one’s who have achieved fame through their own personal auctions throughout the years on eBay. To top it off, all the proceeds from the auction goes to charity.
Chris and I have been in contact for over a year regarding this book and I do have to say that “The Grilled Cheese Madonna,” should be regarded as the definitive collection of eBay wackiness (myself included). So if you are looking for an altruistic purchase, by all means bid on this book. If you cannot afford to bid on this signed original, you still owe it to yourself to pick up a regular copy.
FYI, Chris isn’t paying me a damn thing to say this. He's a talented author with a great book for a worthy cause. I wouldn’t be posting it if I didn’t feel it was worthwhile.
Just buy his damn book. (And mine, while you’re at it. :-))
VIEW THE AUCTION HERE:http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=7029857479
Ciao for now,
~Larry
Mostly, when I post something here, I try to tickle your funny bone with something humorous about everyday life. But, this time I’d thought I would share something cool instead.
Chris Cihlar, author of, “The Grilled Cheese Madonna and 99 Other of the Weirdest, Wackiest, Most Famous eBay Auctions Ever,” is selling the first ever copy of his book on eBay.
This book is very well written, and a total blast to read. But what’s REALLY cool is that this first ever copy has a bunch of signatures from the various people that are mentioned in the book; the one’s who have achieved fame through their own personal auctions throughout the years on eBay. To top it off, all the proceeds from the auction goes to charity.
Chris and I have been in contact for over a year regarding this book and I do have to say that “The Grilled Cheese Madonna,” should be regarded as the definitive collection of eBay wackiness (myself included). So if you are looking for an altruistic purchase, by all means bid on this book. If you cannot afford to bid on this signed original, you still owe it to yourself to pick up a regular copy.
FYI, Chris isn’t paying me a damn thing to say this. He's a talented author with a great book for a worthy cause. I wouldn’t be posting it if I didn’t feel it was worthwhile.
Just buy his damn book. (And mine, while you’re at it. :-))
VIEW THE AUCTION HERE:http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=7029857479
Ciao for now,
~Larry
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
New Things Happening
I wanted to refrain from posting anything until after April Fool’s Day. I guess I was afraid I wouldn’t be taken seriously. (Insert laugh track here.)
There are a few things going on right now that I am very excited about.
The first thing is that author Chris Cihlar’s new book “The Grilled Cheese Madonna and 99 other of the Weirdest, Wackiest, Most Famous eBay Auctions Ever” will be coming out in May. I received an advanced copy of the book and I have to say that, not only is it extremely entertaining, it is meticulously researched. I gotta tell you, people are freaking nuts. Pick up a copy of it. There are banners on this site for it, so check it out. (While you are at it, buy my book as well.) Kudos to you Chris!
The second thing on the list is I have gotten a lot of emails asking for a spoken word version of my book. I am very encouraged by the responses I have gotten from different record labels and people, so I am happy to say that this is in the preliminary stages and a CD version should be out later this year. I’ll keep you posted.
Last, and perhaps the thing I am most excited about, is Dr. Manuel Gomes, a licensed therapist specializing in sexual health and relationships, and I are teaming up for a new entertaining, informative and controversial advice column. It has already been picked up by a newspaper in the Pacific Northwest, and hopefully will be coming to a paper near you. More details will follow as soon as I receive them.
Motorcycle season is upon us, so I just wanna tell all you riders to keep the rubber side down.
Later,
~Larry
There are a few things going on right now that I am very excited about.
The first thing is that author Chris Cihlar’s new book “The Grilled Cheese Madonna and 99 other of the Weirdest, Wackiest, Most Famous eBay Auctions Ever” will be coming out in May. I received an advanced copy of the book and I have to say that, not only is it extremely entertaining, it is meticulously researched. I gotta tell you, people are freaking nuts. Pick up a copy of it. There are banners on this site for it, so check it out. (While you are at it, buy my book as well.) Kudos to you Chris!
The second thing on the list is I have gotten a lot of emails asking for a spoken word version of my book. I am very encouraged by the responses I have gotten from different record labels and people, so I am happy to say that this is in the preliminary stages and a CD version should be out later this year. I’ll keep you posted.
Last, and perhaps the thing I am most excited about, is Dr. Manuel Gomes, a licensed therapist specializing in sexual health and relationships, and I are teaming up for a new entertaining, informative and controversial advice column. It has already been picked up by a newspaper in the Pacific Northwest, and hopefully will be coming to a paper near you. More details will follow as soon as I receive them.
Motorcycle season is upon us, so I just wanna tell all you riders to keep the rubber side down.
Later,
~Larry
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
IS MY HUSBAND REALLY A BEAST?
A SIMPLE TEST FROM EBAY’S WEDDING DRESS GUY
By Larry Star
Married women from all walks of life eventually face a crossroad in their marriage. They ask themselves, “Should I stay married to this man?”
The thing to do when this crisis arrives is assess the problem. Look at your husband’s behavior in certain situations. Does he do the things you would expect him to do? Does he measure up to what you thought a husband should be?
I have come up with a test that all married women can take to find out if the man they married is actually worth staying married to. Just write down the letter corresponding to the best answer and total your score up at the bottom of the test.
Ready? Here we go.
1. When you are both at a party where you don’t know anyone, your husband...
A. ignores you and goes to mingle with his friends.
B. introduces you to everyone and stays by your side all night.
C. has to coax you out of the closet.
D. has to somehow get you away from that young, good-looking heir to the billion-dollar shoe store fortune and get your clothes back on without causing a scene.
2. It is date night. Your husband...
A. falls asleep watching ESPN’s SportsCenter on the couch.
B. takes you out on the town—dining, dancing, drinking, and romance—all night long!
C. makes sandwiches for you, your mother and your friends for your impromptu candle party.
D. takes you to the emergency room to get your stomach pumped from all the valium and alcohol you consumed at Chippendales.
3. You decide you want a pet for your birthday. Your husband...
A. cuts out a picture of a cat.
B. surprises you at work with the most adorable puppy you have ever seen.
C. stocks up on his allergy medicine and buys a case of vacuum cleaner bags.
D. sleeps on the couch the first few nights so you can snuggle up with the jockey you took home from your birthday bash at the race track.
4. Your husband is late coming home from work. He calls...
A. you from the nudie-bar and tells you he’ll grab a bite there.
B. you twenty times, apologizing for screwing up your plans and swears he’ll make it up to you this weekend.
C. your mother to tell you he will be there as soon as he can. And he’s bringing home three new walkie-talkie cell phones—one for each of you.
D. the mall and has you paged.
5. You tell your husband you are ready for a family. He...
A. gives you Season 1 of the Sopranos on DVD.
B. makes an appointment with Planned Parenthood and starts painting the spare bedroom.
C. is elated because he knows this means he will actually have sex.
D. checks the calendar to see if the local NBA team has a home game about the time you are ovulating.
Add up your scores with A=0 points; B=2 points; C=1 point; D=3 points. See how your husband fares with the scores below.
0-4: Your husband is the stereotypical male. Your mother’s mother married one. Your mother married one, and you married one. He ain’t so bad. Suck it up.
5-10: Your husband genuinely loves you. He will be there for you no matter what. He will hold your hand and nurture you. He will help you through the tough times in your life and guide you through your maturation as a woman. But once menopause hits, you’re on your own.
11-14: Your husband is a wonderful man. He has no faults. He is the yardstick for a perfect man. Keep him at all costs. Even if it means waiting on him hand and foot, kissing the ground he walks on, and making him feel like the king that he is. You ain’t getting a better guy on the planet. He is a saint. No, really.
15: You are a bitch.
___________________________________________________
Larry Star is author of the hilarious book, Bitter, Party of One... Your Table is Ready: Relationship advice from a guy who has no business giving it. He has twice appeared on the Today show and most recently on MSNBC’s Countdown with Keith Obermann. He can be contacted through his website: www.weddingdressguy.com.
By Larry Star
Married women from all walks of life eventually face a crossroad in their marriage. They ask themselves, “Should I stay married to this man?”
The thing to do when this crisis arrives is assess the problem. Look at your husband’s behavior in certain situations. Does he do the things you would expect him to do? Does he measure up to what you thought a husband should be?
I have come up with a test that all married women can take to find out if the man they married is actually worth staying married to. Just write down the letter corresponding to the best answer and total your score up at the bottom of the test.
Ready? Here we go.
1. When you are both at a party where you don’t know anyone, your husband...
A. ignores you and goes to mingle with his friends.
B. introduces you to everyone and stays by your side all night.
C. has to coax you out of the closet.
D. has to somehow get you away from that young, good-looking heir to the billion-dollar shoe store fortune and get your clothes back on without causing a scene.
2. It is date night. Your husband...
A. falls asleep watching ESPN’s SportsCenter on the couch.
B. takes you out on the town—dining, dancing, drinking, and romance—all night long!
C. makes sandwiches for you, your mother and your friends for your impromptu candle party.
D. takes you to the emergency room to get your stomach pumped from all the valium and alcohol you consumed at Chippendales.
3. You decide you want a pet for your birthday. Your husband...
A. cuts out a picture of a cat.
B. surprises you at work with the most adorable puppy you have ever seen.
C. stocks up on his allergy medicine and buys a case of vacuum cleaner bags.
D. sleeps on the couch the first few nights so you can snuggle up with the jockey you took home from your birthday bash at the race track.
4. Your husband is late coming home from work. He calls...
A. you from the nudie-bar and tells you he’ll grab a bite there.
B. you twenty times, apologizing for screwing up your plans and swears he’ll make it up to you this weekend.
C. your mother to tell you he will be there as soon as he can. And he’s bringing home three new walkie-talkie cell phones—one for each of you.
D. the mall and has you paged.
5. You tell your husband you are ready for a family. He...
A. gives you Season 1 of the Sopranos on DVD.
B. makes an appointment with Planned Parenthood and starts painting the spare bedroom.
C. is elated because he knows this means he will actually have sex.
D. checks the calendar to see if the local NBA team has a home game about the time you are ovulating.
Add up your scores with A=0 points; B=2 points; C=1 point; D=3 points. See how your husband fares with the scores below.
0-4: Your husband is the stereotypical male. Your mother’s mother married one. Your mother married one, and you married one. He ain’t so bad. Suck it up.
5-10: Your husband genuinely loves you. He will be there for you no matter what. He will hold your hand and nurture you. He will help you through the tough times in your life and guide you through your maturation as a woman. But once menopause hits, you’re on your own.
11-14: Your husband is a wonderful man. He has no faults. He is the yardstick for a perfect man. Keep him at all costs. Even if it means waiting on him hand and foot, kissing the ground he walks on, and making him feel like the king that he is. You ain’t getting a better guy on the planet. He is a saint. No, really.
15: You are a bitch.
___________________________________________________
Larry Star is author of the hilarious book, Bitter, Party of One... Your Table is Ready: Relationship advice from a guy who has no business giving it. He has twice appeared on the Today show and most recently on MSNBC’s Countdown with Keith Obermann. He can be contacted through his website: www.weddingdressguy.com.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Diet, Shmiet
Is it just me or is Jared the Subway guy putting on a few pounds? It’s my contention that’s what happens when a regular guy gets some sort of fame—he starts putting on weight. Hell, I put on twenty pounds since the whole eBay thing. (Between you and me, that damn dress is getting a little tight.)
I seem to be getting larger by the day. I can’t tell you how many lawn chairs I’ve broken. I don’t get invited to garden parties anymore. (Of course, it being winter may have something to do with it, but I digress.)
I made a bet with my girlfriend last month that if I lost 40 pounds, she would quit smoking. Great! I only have 45 pounds to go.
It’s getting so bad, I can’t fit in my skin. And no matter what I do I just can’t seem to lose it and keep it off. I’ve tried all the over the counter diet pills but they don’t work. I did, however, lose some weight using prescription meds, but they had a bit of a nasty side effect. I don’t think it’s healthy to lose twenty pounds through rectal bleeding.
I’ve found out first-hand that the only thing one loses when opting for diet pills is money. You would be better off to take the money you would spend on those pills and buy an exercise bike. But make sure you get one with a basket on the handle bars because it will eventually wind up being the most expensive clothes hamper you will ever own. You can use the basket for the whites.
There are many diet fads out on the market now. The most famous ones are the Atkins diet, the South Beach diet, and the Sugarbusters diet. These all may be great, but I think the best diet fad is the Shut your pie-hole, get off your fat ass and take the stairs instead of the elevator diet.
The only other option is to resign oneself to the fact that you will always be fat. While not the healthiest of options, it does make for an easier time at the buffet table. Plus you could always get one of those t-shirts that say, “I’m not fat. I’m American.”
All this talking about dieting is making me hungry. If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Subway. They have a “buy one; get one free” deal going on.
(Uh, exactly how DID Jared lose that weight eating at Subway?)
I seem to be getting larger by the day. I can’t tell you how many lawn chairs I’ve broken. I don’t get invited to garden parties anymore. (Of course, it being winter may have something to do with it, but I digress.)
I made a bet with my girlfriend last month that if I lost 40 pounds, she would quit smoking. Great! I only have 45 pounds to go.
It’s getting so bad, I can’t fit in my skin. And no matter what I do I just can’t seem to lose it and keep it off. I’ve tried all the over the counter diet pills but they don’t work. I did, however, lose some weight using prescription meds, but they had a bit of a nasty side effect. I don’t think it’s healthy to lose twenty pounds through rectal bleeding.
I’ve found out first-hand that the only thing one loses when opting for diet pills is money. You would be better off to take the money you would spend on those pills and buy an exercise bike. But make sure you get one with a basket on the handle bars because it will eventually wind up being the most expensive clothes hamper you will ever own. You can use the basket for the whites.
There are many diet fads out on the market now. The most famous ones are the Atkins diet, the South Beach diet, and the Sugarbusters diet. These all may be great, but I think the best diet fad is the Shut your pie-hole, get off your fat ass and take the stairs instead of the elevator diet.
The only other option is to resign oneself to the fact that you will always be fat. While not the healthiest of options, it does make for an easier time at the buffet table. Plus you could always get one of those t-shirts that say, “I’m not fat. I’m American.”
All this talking about dieting is making me hungry. If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Subway. They have a “buy one; get one free” deal going on.
(Uh, exactly how DID Jared lose that weight eating at Subway?)
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Which Bird Is Your Guy?
Apes and gorillas are, physiologically, the closest animal to man. But, the closest living thing that Mother Nature has created upon which to judge the psyche of the average male is—you guessed it—the family of birds.
These fine, feathered creatures possess traits and insight to the man you are with. Just how foul is your fowl? Read below to find out which type of bird best matches your mate.
Eagle. Arguably the best looking birds out there, these majestic creatures thrive in wide open spaces. They are free-spirited, wild creatures with a zest for life. If your eagle just up and leaves you one day for the wide-open spaces of the dating world, reflect on how gorgeous he was, how much fun you’ve had with him, all the while consoling yourself with the fact that most eagles are probably gay.
Ostrich. We all know all about these flightless birds. These fast-running, somewhat homely creatures are afraid of their own shadow. While your guy might have good intentions and big dreams, he will never get anything off the ground due to fear and lack of confidence. You certainly could do better than ostrich-boy, but if you do manage to keep him around, make sure he wipes all the sand off his face before coming to bed and keep reminding yourself that someday he will make a great pair of boots and matching purse.
Lovebird. These birds mate for life. If you have one of these guys, you will never want for anything. They will dote upon you, preen you, snuggle up against you—constantly be by your side. This is a dream come true for most women. But beware. If your personality isn’t that of a love bird, too, then all of his love and affection will do nothing more than annoy the crap out of you.
Dodo. Stupid. Just plain stupid. Any woman will tell you this little known fact: They aren’t extinct.
Vulture. These birds of prey feed off of others. They are inherently scavengers that love to pick a carcass clean. You will know if you are with a vulture because he usually only comes out and circles around you whenever you get paid.
Hummingbird. Hummingbirds are the second largest family of birds in the world. They are all around us. What is unique about these birds is that they fly backwards and eat twice their body weight to survive. What this means is that you have a man that is insatiable, yet isn’t mentally mature. If your donut-eating, pseudo-adolescent flies the coup and you absolutely have to have another hummingbird, don’t worry. You can always find one of the 329 other species at the game store in the mall.
Parrot. Your friends love this guy. He’s great fun at parties, friendly, and playful. But, your friends eventually get to leave while you are stuck at home with this loud, boisterous, obnoxious beast that seems to poop only on your head.
Rooster. Probably the best mate you can find. If you have one of these—keep him. They’re prideful, easy-going and trainable. They don’t fly around and will eat what you give them without complaining. Besides, what woman doesn’t want a good cock?
__________________________________________________
Larry Star is author of Bitter, Party of One... Your Table is Ready: Relationship advice from a guy who has no business giving it. He has twice appeared on the Today show and MSNBC’s Countdown. He can be contacted through his website: www.weddingdressguy.com
These fine, feathered creatures possess traits and insight to the man you are with. Just how foul is your fowl? Read below to find out which type of bird best matches your mate.
Eagle. Arguably the best looking birds out there, these majestic creatures thrive in wide open spaces. They are free-spirited, wild creatures with a zest for life. If your eagle just up and leaves you one day for the wide-open spaces of the dating world, reflect on how gorgeous he was, how much fun you’ve had with him, all the while consoling yourself with the fact that most eagles are probably gay.
Ostrich. We all know all about these flightless birds. These fast-running, somewhat homely creatures are afraid of their own shadow. While your guy might have good intentions and big dreams, he will never get anything off the ground due to fear and lack of confidence. You certainly could do better than ostrich-boy, but if you do manage to keep him around, make sure he wipes all the sand off his face before coming to bed and keep reminding yourself that someday he will make a great pair of boots and matching purse.
Lovebird. These birds mate for life. If you have one of these guys, you will never want for anything. They will dote upon you, preen you, snuggle up against you—constantly be by your side. This is a dream come true for most women. But beware. If your personality isn’t that of a love bird, too, then all of his love and affection will do nothing more than annoy the crap out of you.
Dodo. Stupid. Just plain stupid. Any woman will tell you this little known fact: They aren’t extinct.
Vulture. These birds of prey feed off of others. They are inherently scavengers that love to pick a carcass clean. You will know if you are with a vulture because he usually only comes out and circles around you whenever you get paid.
Hummingbird. Hummingbirds are the second largest family of birds in the world. They are all around us. What is unique about these birds is that they fly backwards and eat twice their body weight to survive. What this means is that you have a man that is insatiable, yet isn’t mentally mature. If your donut-eating, pseudo-adolescent flies the coup and you absolutely have to have another hummingbird, don’t worry. You can always find one of the 329 other species at the game store in the mall.
Parrot. Your friends love this guy. He’s great fun at parties, friendly, and playful. But, your friends eventually get to leave while you are stuck at home with this loud, boisterous, obnoxious beast that seems to poop only on your head.
Rooster. Probably the best mate you can find. If you have one of these—keep him. They’re prideful, easy-going and trainable. They don’t fly around and will eat what you give them without complaining. Besides, what woman doesn’t want a good cock?
__________________________________________________
Larry Star is author of Bitter, Party of One... Your Table is Ready: Relationship advice from a guy who has no business giving it. He has twice appeared on the Today show and MSNBC’s Countdown. He can be contacted through his website: www.weddingdressguy.com
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