IS MY HUSBAND REALLY A BEAST?

A SIMPLE TEST FROM EBAY’S WEDDING DRESS GUY
By Larry Star

Married women from all walks of life eventually face a crossroad in their marriage. They ask themselves, “Should I stay married to this man?”

The thing to do when this crisis arrives is assess the problem. Look at your husband’s behavior in certain situations. Does he do the things you would expect him to do? Does he measure up to what you thought a husband should be?

I have come up with a test that all married women can take to find out if the man they married is actually worth staying married to. Just write down the letter corresponding to the best answer and total your score up at the bottom of the test.

Ready? Here we go.

1. When you are both at a party where you don’t know anyone, your husband...

A. ignores you and goes to mingle with his friends.
B. introduces you to everyone and stays by your side all night.
C. has to coax you out of the closet.
D. has to somehow get you away from that young, good-looking heir to the billion-dollar shoe store fortune and get your clothes back on without causing a scene.


2. It is date night. Your husband...

A. falls asleep watching ESPN’s SportsCenter on the couch.
B. takes you out on the town—dining, dancing, drinking, and romance—all night long!
C. makes sandwiches for you, your mother and your friends for your impromptu candle party.
D. takes you to the emergency room to get your stomach pumped from all the valium and alcohol you consumed at Chippendales.


3. You decide you want a pet for your birthday. Your husband...

A. cuts out a picture of a cat.
B. surprises you at work with the most adorable puppy you have ever seen.
C. stocks up on his allergy medicine and buys a case of vacuum cleaner bags.
D. sleeps on the couch the first few nights so you can snuggle up with the jockey you took home from your birthday bash at the race track.



4. Your husband is late coming home from work. He calls...

A. you from the nudie-bar and tells you he’ll grab a bite there.
B. you twenty times, apologizing for screwing up your plans and swears he’ll make it up to you this weekend.
C. your mother to tell you he will be there as soon as he can. And he’s bringing home three new walkie-talkie cell phones—one for each of you.
D. the mall and has you paged.


5. You tell your husband you are ready for a family. He...

A. gives you Season 1 of the Sopranos on DVD.
B. makes an appointment with Planned Parenthood and starts painting the spare bedroom.
C. is elated because he knows this means he will actually have sex.
D. checks the calendar to see if the local NBA team has a home game about the time you are ovulating.


Add up your scores with A=0 points; B=2 points; C=1 point; D=3 points. See how your husband fares with the scores below.

0-4: Your husband is the stereotypical male. Your mother’s mother married one. Your mother married one, and you married one. He ain’t so bad. Suck it up.

5-10: Your husband genuinely loves you. He will be there for you no matter what. He will hold your hand and nurture you. He will help you through the tough times in your life and guide you through your maturation as a woman. But once menopause hits, you’re on your own.

11-14: Your husband is a wonderful man. He has no faults. He is the yardstick for a perfect man. Keep him at all costs. Even if it means waiting on him hand and foot, kissing the ground he walks on, and making him feel like the king that he is. You ain’t getting a better guy on the planet. He is a saint. No, really.

15: You are a bitch.
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Larry Star is author of the hilarious book, Bitter, Party of One... Your Table is Ready: Relationship advice from a guy who has no business giving it. He has twice appeared on the Today show and most recently on MSNBC’s Countdown with Keith Obermann. He can be contacted through his website: www.weddingdressguy.com.

Diet, Shmiet

Is it just me or is Jared the Subway guy putting on a few pounds? It’s my contention that’s what happens when a regular guy gets some sort of fame—he starts putting on weight. Hell, I put on twenty pounds since the whole eBay thing. (Between you and me, that damn dress is getting a little tight.)

I seem to be getting larger by the day. I can’t tell you how many lawn chairs I’ve broken. I don’t get invited to garden parties anymore. (Of course, it being winter may have something to do with it, but I digress.)

I made a bet with my girlfriend last month that if I lost 40 pounds, she would quit smoking. Great! I only have 45 pounds to go.

It’s getting so bad, I can’t fit in my skin. And no matter what I do I just can’t seem to lose it and keep it off. I’ve tried all the over the counter diet pills but they don’t work. I did, however, lose some weight using prescription meds, but they had a bit of a nasty side effect. I don’t think it’s healthy to lose twenty pounds through rectal bleeding.

I’ve found out first-hand that the only thing one loses when opting for diet pills is money. You would be better off to take the money you would spend on those pills and buy an exercise bike. But make sure you get one with a basket on the handle bars because it will eventually wind up being the most expensive clothes hamper you will ever own. You can use the basket for the whites.

There are many diet fads out on the market now. The most famous ones are the Atkins diet, the South Beach diet, and the Sugarbusters diet. These all may be great, but I think the best diet fad is the Shut your pie-hole, get off your fat ass and take the stairs instead of the elevator diet.

The only other option is to resign oneself to the fact that you will always be fat. While not the healthiest of options, it does make for an easier time at the buffet table. Plus you could always get one of those t-shirts that say, “I’m not fat. I’m American.”

All this talking about dieting is making me hungry. If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Subway. They have a “buy one; get one free” deal going on.

(Uh, exactly how DID Jared lose that weight eating at Subway?)