Diet, Shmiet

Is it just me or is Jared the Subway guy putting on a few pounds? It’s my contention that’s what happens when a regular guy gets some sort of fame—he starts putting on weight. Hell, I put on twenty pounds since the whole eBay thing. (Between you and me, that damn dress is getting a little tight.)

I seem to be getting larger by the day. I can’t tell you how many lawn chairs I’ve broken. I don’t get invited to garden parties anymore. (Of course, it being winter may have something to do with it, but I digress.)

I made a bet with my girlfriend last month that if I lost 40 pounds, she would quit smoking. Great! I only have 45 pounds to go.

It’s getting so bad, I can’t fit in my skin. And no matter what I do I just can’t seem to lose it and keep it off. I’ve tried all the over the counter diet pills but they don’t work. I did, however, lose some weight using prescription meds, but they had a bit of a nasty side effect. I don’t think it’s healthy to lose twenty pounds through rectal bleeding.

I’ve found out first-hand that the only thing one loses when opting for diet pills is money. You would be better off to take the money you would spend on those pills and buy an exercise bike. But make sure you get one with a basket on the handle bars because it will eventually wind up being the most expensive clothes hamper you will ever own. You can use the basket for the whites.

There are many diet fads out on the market now. The most famous ones are the Atkins diet, the South Beach diet, and the Sugarbusters diet. These all may be great, but I think the best diet fad is the Shut your pie-hole, get off your fat ass and take the stairs instead of the elevator diet.

The only other option is to resign oneself to the fact that you will always be fat. While not the healthiest of options, it does make for an easier time at the buffet table. Plus you could always get one of those t-shirts that say, “I’m not fat. I’m American.”

All this talking about dieting is making me hungry. If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Subway. They have a “buy one; get one free” deal going on.

(Uh, exactly how DID Jared lose that weight eating at Subway?)

Which Bird Is Your Guy?

Apes and gorillas are, physiologically, the closest animal to man. But, the closest living thing that Mother Nature has created upon which to judge the psyche of the average male is—you guessed it—the family of birds.

These fine, feathered creatures possess traits and insight to the man you are with. Just how foul is your fowl? Read below to find out which type of bird best matches your mate.

Eagle. Arguably the best looking birds out there, these majestic creatures thrive in wide open spaces. They are free-spirited, wild creatures with a zest for life. If your eagle just up and leaves you one day for the wide-open spaces of the dating world, reflect on how gorgeous he was, how much fun you’ve had with him, all the while consoling yourself with the fact that most eagles are probably gay.

Ostrich. We all know all about these flightless birds. These fast-running, somewhat homely creatures are afraid of their own shadow. While your guy might have good intentions and big dreams, he will never get anything off the ground due to fear and lack of confidence. You certainly could do better than ostrich-boy, but if you do manage to keep him around, make sure he wipes all the sand off his face before coming to bed and keep reminding yourself that someday he will make a great pair of boots and matching purse.

Lovebird. These birds mate for life. If you have one of these guys, you will never want for anything. They will dote upon you, preen you, snuggle up against you—constantly be by your side. This is a dream come true for most women. But beware. If your personality isn’t that of a love bird, too, then all of his love and affection will do nothing more than annoy the crap out of you.

Dodo. Stupid. Just plain stupid. Any woman will tell you this little known fact: They aren’t extinct.

Vulture. These birds of prey feed off of others. They are inherently scavengers that love to pick a carcass clean. You will know if you are with a vulture because he usually only comes out and circles around you whenever you get paid.

Hummingbird. Hummingbirds are the second largest family of birds in the world. They are all around us. What is unique about these birds is that they fly backwards and eat twice their body weight to survive. What this means is that you have a man that is insatiable, yet isn’t mentally mature. If your donut-eating, pseudo-adolescent flies the coup and you absolutely have to have another hummingbird, don’t worry. You can always find one of the 329 other species at the game store in the mall.

Parrot. Your friends love this guy. He’s great fun at parties, friendly, and playful. But, your friends eventually get to leave while you are stuck at home with this loud, boisterous, obnoxious beast that seems to poop only on your head.

Rooster. Probably the best mate you can find. If you have one of these—keep him. They’re prideful, easy-going and trainable. They don’t fly around and will eat what you give them without complaining. Besides, what woman doesn’t want a good cock?
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Larry Star is author of Bitter, Party of One... Your Table is Ready: Relationship advice from a guy who has no business giving it. He has twice appeared on the Today show and MSNBC’s Countdown. He can be contacted through his website: www.weddingdressguy.com